10 Ways To Get Rich Quick

Sure, you could be one of those suckers who waits by the mail box for their Economic Stimulus Rebate check to arrive. But that’s boring. Who wants to wait to be rich? Here are 10 practical ways you can speed up the process.

Win The Lottery
Winning the lottery is a time-tested way to get rich. Instead of investing in your IRA, you should take half your paycheck and buy Mega Millions lottery tickets. As an asset class, lottery tickets are totally uncorrelated with more traditional asset classes like stocks, bonds, shiny pebbles, and irregular 33 waist slacks. This makes them a good diversifier for a more traditional portfolio.

Save $35,000 Per Day
Save just $35,00o per day and you’ll have over a million dollars in a little over a month. This should be an easy amount for even the most spendthrift among you to sock away. In fact, you might even decide to go above and beyond and decide to become a billionaire. After all, millionaires are a dime a dozen these days.

Sell Cocaine
Selling illegal drugs has long been a lucrative profession. Word on the street is the average mark-up on a kilo of Colombia’s finest can approach 500%. If that’s true, you’d only need to import $200,000 worth of coke and sell it at street value. Convincing your suppliers you’re not with the Five Oh may take some work, but it’s well worth the effort. After all, life is too short to drink cheap beer.

Become a Professional Hitman
The guys in Kill Bill seemed to do alright. Japanese samurai swords aren’t cheap and I don’t think business expenses for felonious professions are tax deductible, so they must be raking in the cash.

Become a Politician
I know what you’re thinking. How dare I make such a despicable recommendation on the same page I mention such honorable professions as professional drug dealer, hitman, and prostitute? All I can say is, this post is about making money, not ethics. Think about it, besides winning the lottery, what could possibly be so profitable as quickly as accepting bribes from pharmaceutical companies to push through that cancer-causing flu medicine or participating in various property scandals? Even better, you don’t even have to bother telling the truth. You can be a complete phony and still be a respected politician. It’s the easiest job in the world. And don’t forget about the beautiful women that come with the job description.

Get a Job as a Ho-fessional
Speaking of beautiful women, being one can be a one-way ticket to fame and fortune. Charging $1,000 per hour, you’d only need 125 eight hour work days to make a cool million. That’s less than five months! And hey, it’s still a more honorable profession than being a politician.

Cash In On Your 15 Minutes of Fame
According to Right Celebrity, Spitzer call girl Ashley Dupree turned down $1 million to bare all for Hustler magazine. Holding out for more, Ashley? Wise decision.

Win Big in Vegas
Getting rich in Vegas may seem quaint in today’s world of internet stocks and hedge funds, but you can still make a killing in blackjack in a short period of time. Starting at a $10 table and assuming a pure 21 pays 3 to 2, you’d only need to hit blackjack 29 times in a row to walk away with over a million bucks. Somebody double-check my math, but the odds of that are approximately 1.036 x 10^-9. With odds that good, you can’t lose.

Start a Stupid Gimmick Website
Hey, it worked for million dollar homepage. Who am I to argue with success?

Borrow From Your HELOC to Open a Margin Account to Buy Call Options on Volatile Penny Stocks
Those buy-and-hold people are idiots. Borrowing against your home to buy call options on penny stocks on margin is the only real way to invest. What? That’s too risky you say? Get a life. Only like 2% of people who try this lose their homes. The rest party with Bill Gates on Air Force One. I did it and I have a date with Pamela Anderson tonight. It’s so obvious, it’s a no-brainer. You do the math.