It’s just not fair.  You studied hard in school, got a decent job, bought a used Honda when you really wanted that shiny new Panoz, paid off your credit card every month, and most importantly, bought a house you could actually afford with a regular mortgage.  You’re model of financial prudence and you pat yourself on the back for it daily.

The subprime crisis hits and you think you’re doing pretty well.  “Stupid suckers,” you say.  “They are getting what they deserve!  They could never afford that house to begin with.”  Well aren’t you a self-satisfied a-hole?  But like all self-satisfied a-holes, karma came back to haunt you.  Suddenly these “stupid suckers” start getting money from the government specifically because they were stupid suckers.  “Damn!” you exclaim.  “Why should I be punished for being responsible?”  But being the self-satisfied a-hole that you are, you soon forget all about it because you’re busy driving your vegan son to soccer practice in your smug-emitting hybrid.

But the Federal Reserve stepping in to bail out Bear Steans was the last straw.  Why can’t a regular guy get a break, you ask?  You can!  Here are three simple ways to get free money from the government.

Screw Up In An Election Year

Buying votes is an essential skill for every politician and they have gotten extremely good at it.  Do you really think any self-respecting politician up for re-election is going to turn down an opportunity to throw money at angry poor people?  Of course not!  Angry poor people are the ideal demographic for the vote-whoring politician because they will vote for practically anybody who promises them more hand-outs.  Why work or save money when you can just vote yourself more tax dollars from those self-satisfied rich bastards across town?  It’s karma.

Screw Up BIG

Let’s be frank, there was no way the Fed was going to allow a bank as large as Bear Stearns to fail because it would have set off a tidal wave of panic across the financial world.  Consumers and banks would lose confidence in the system, leading to yet more bank failures.  Worst off all, other countries might stop lending us vast sums of money to finance wars, bridges to nowhere, and crooked tax rebates if our financial system collapses.  Be a big fish in a small pond and you can do anything you want without worrying about the consequences.  In order to get rich and powerful enough for your screw-ups to bring down the financial system, you might have to sell drugs or blackmail somebody, but that shouldn’t be too difficult.

Sleep With Somebody In Office

The final and by far the most effective technique for getting free money from the government is to sleep with somebody in a position of authority.  It’s best if you can get a cabinet-level member but if not, a congressman/woman will do.

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