Memorial Day is a day to remember fallen American soldiers and show respect for their sacrifice. Unfortunately, the loss of life never ends. This newest battle is for the very soul of America: our beer! InBev, a Belgian beer conglomerate, is mulling a of hostile takeover of Anheuser-Busch (BUD). Anheuser-Busch, of course, is the brewer of a yellow, water-like substanced known as Budweiser. They also brew Bud Light, Bud Select, Rolling Rock, and many others.
We cannot allow this to happen. American beer icons Miller and Coors have already been bought out by foreigners, leaving BUD as the sole mass-producer of American piss water. Sure, we still have Sam Adams, Sierra Nevada, and countless other micro and regional breweries, but Budweiser is an American institution. Can you imagine a NASCAR fan popping a Sam Adams in his trailer while he watches Talladega with his wife/cousin/sister? Of course not. And without beer (no self-respecting redneck would continue drinking a European Budweiser), watching cars go around in a big oval over and over really isn’t all that exciting. Clearly, the loss of Budweiser would set off a chain reaction, destroying middle America as we know it.
In order to avoid this horrible fate, we must all act together. The best way to fend off a hostile takeover is to increase the value of your company enough to make it unaffordable. And the best way to do that is to make tons of money. So this memorial day, while you’re grilling, sitting by the pool, and watching NASCAR on TV, throw back an ice-cold Budweiser or 8. The more the merrier. Anybody caught drinking an import will be lynched by an angry mob. We all have to do our part.
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6 responses so far ↓
1 Lise // Jun 6, 2008 at 9:57 am
I’m not sure if the fact that my husband and I brew our own beer makes us patriotic or traitors.
… hey, those two words do have similar letters!
2 Kyle // Jun 6, 2008 at 11:18 am
Patriotic so long as you use American hops and barley!
3 Trey // Jun 9, 2008 at 11:51 am
In all seriousness, though, real American beer IS the micro/craftbrewed beers. Only in America do you have a robust homebrew and craft brew tradition (well, only one thats a few decades old.. but its roots reach back to before prohibition), and easy access to almost any style of beer you can think of. Anyways, love the jab at irrational patriotic consumerism. Down with American ‘light lagers’ that give real beer (not to mention real light lagers) a bad name everywhere!
4 Kyle // Jun 9, 2008 at 11:59 am
Indeed, Sweetwater and Terrapin are two of my favorite beers and they are both local. I also really like Dogfish Head and a few others. I like hoppy beer.
5 CHAR // Jul 7, 2008 at 11:15 am
WE SELL EVERYTHING TO OTHER COUNTRIES. WHY? KEEP AMERICAN BEER AMERICAN MADE. WE NEED THE BEST AND IT IS MADE HERE IN THE U.S.A.
6 Cory // Jul 14, 2008 at 5:14 pm
What’s on tap now for Budweiser? CNBC takes you inside America’s 130-year love affair with the King of Beers. Now that InBev has agreed to purchase the iconic American brand, CNBC’s “American Originals: Budweiser” offers a first look at the new reality for Bud. Watch CNBC on Thursday, July 17 at 9p/12a ET to see the side of Budweiser you’ve never seen before… the past the present and the future. Click here for web highlights.
http://www.cnbc.com/id/25348737/?__source=bg|pst|budprem|07102008|&par=bg
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