Women Should Buy Their Own Engagement Ring
This is a subject I’ve avoided for quite some time, now. After all, it’s “common knowledge” that a man should pursue a woman, buy a giant rock to “prove” his love for her, and settle down in the suburbs with the long commute, consumer debt, and everything else that comes with the American Dream. I’m well aware 99% of the population will hate me for saying this, but in today’s society women should buy their own engagement ring.
With more women in the workforce these days then men, most women are entirely capable of buying their own ring should they decide they just have to have one. You don’t expect me to pay your rent, do you? Then don’t expect me to buy you a ring you could just as easily afford yourself. You claim to be a modern, independent woman, so act like it. I know, I know, “good luck finding a woman to marry you with that attitude.” Duly noted.
Welcome To The 21st Century
Most of the reasons I listed in the post who should pay for a date? also apply to the engagement-ring issue, but let me reiterate a few of the reasons I feel this is an irrational custom at best and downright harmful to society at worst. Following are a few commonly-cited reasons for the whole man-buys-woman-a-diamond tradition and my take on why they are full of crap.
- A ring is a sign of love and devotion – An expensive ring is supposed to be a sign that a man is willing to part with a substantial sum of his money for a symbol of his devotion: something which has no practical use other than to publicly declare he has the financial wherewithal to support a woman. By doing this, the theory goes, a man shows he would be willing to part with all of his resources if need be in order to care for a woman and her offspring, in sickness or in health . Sounds sweet, but it’s also a load of crap. Buying you an expensive ring only shows I’m willing to part with a boatload of my hard-earned money in order to impress people I’ve never met and don’t care about. That’s it. It says absolutely nothing about my ability or willingness to support a family and says even less about my devotion to you as a woman. I find this line of thought extraordinarily insulting. If a shiny rock what you require to be sure of my ability or intention to support you, then you really don’t know me at all and I’m better off without you. I know, I know: “good luck finding a woman to marry you with that attitude.” Duly noted.
- A down-payment on a woman’s love and fidelity - One commenter on a related post on M is for Money (great blog if you’ve never read it), said “…the historical point of an engagement ring is that he bought it to save/pay a down payment on your love and your fidelity to him and commitment as a partner to you…“ Rarely have I heard it put so callously and disrespectfully, but this reflects the point of view of many people I’ve met (both men and women). I’m sorry, but real men do not buy love or fidelity: they demand it, and if it isn’t given freely in kind move on to somebody more worthy of their affection. I can’t even begin to explain how offensive I find this statement, yet men are coerced into buying hugely-expensive jewelry they can’t even begin to afford every day simply because that’s what they are told “men” should do. Here’s an inside tip: real men decide for themselves what makes them a man and how they derive their self-worth. They don’t bend to outside pressure. I know, I know: “good luck finding a woman to marry you with that attitude.” Duly noted.
- It’s tradition – No it isn’t. The first recorded diamond engagement ring was given to Mary of Burgundy by her betrothed only in 1477. Furthermore, the tradition of buying diamond engagement rings didn’t begin in the west until the late 19th century (barely more than 100 years ago) when large diamond reserves were discovered in Africa, driving down the price of the once-rare gemstones dramatically enough to make them affordable to the middle class. As always happens when something once only obtainable by the upper class becomes widely available, diamond engagement rings suddenly became all the rage. The notion of “a diamond is forever” is a marketing invention of the last 3 generations: it’s not a tradition at all, it’s a short-term trend. The tradition of the wedding ring goes back tends of thousands of years, but the idea that it should be expensive is a very, very recent invention. After all, selling thimbles (the only wedding ring in early American puritan society) isn’t nearly as profitable as selling diamonds. And stupid westerners fell for it hook, line, and sinker. As they always do. I know, I know: “good luck finding a woman to marry you with that attitude.” Duly noted.
Women No Longer Depend On Men For Their Livelihood
Not so long ago, women didn’t have the career or educational opportunities they have today. Few women were able to achieve true financial security of their own because society didn’t allow it. In such a society, it makes perfect sense for a man to provide for all a woman’s needs, including purchasing an expensive engagement ring. After all, the ring was a measure of assurance a man would care after a woman in those days.
But that society is long gone. Today, more women than men are employed in the American workforce and while a gender pay gap still exists (more-so in some industries than others), its effect has been minimized over the years to the point it no longer prevents women from providing all life’s basic necessities for themselves. It is also important to keep in mind that the whole “a man’s place is in the factory and a woman’s place in the home” is itself a recent, artificial creation of the industrial revolution. Before approximately 300 years ago, the overwhelming majority of the world’s economy revolved around farming and small “cottage industries” where women and men worked side-by-side to put food on the table and raise a family. The notion that a woman would stay home as a “homemaker” would have been unthinkable 500 years ago (and 1,000 years ago, and 10,000 years ago). No, women worked the fields side-by-side with men, and every bit as hard.
The point is, women don’t need us to take care of them anymore. Why are we still pretending they do? I know, I know: “good luck finding a woman to marry you with that attitude.” Duly noted.
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Very interesting article.
I agree that young people today are spending too much money of rings and weddings when they are in debt and trying to get on their feet.
A lot of things are upside down in the current culture. There is nothing wrong with women working outside the home, but Feminism was a big mistake.
The heart of the woman cannot be changed by a culture. Woman will always want to be pursued and protected and provided for by their man. Just as men want a loving woman to pursue and protect and provide for.
Read: Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul
I have read many poles that say woman are unhappy working for dollars day after day, while men are naturally intreged by the competition and the love of work.
The question is what kind of the wife do you want? Do you want a wife that buys her own ring? Dispite who pays for the ring (which is not really the issue because your money becomes one when you are married) you should be involved in getting a ring that tells your wife that you treasure her.
If she does not believe that you treasure her, then forget it – you have already lost her.
Good luck finding a….
Great post – I think the big issue is the cost of the engagement ring – why does it have to be so high? I bought a ring for my wife and it was only a couple hundred bucks (silver, no diamond). Does the diamond help the marriage any?
I can’t imagine the guy not buying the ring (call me a traditionalist) but just pay what you can afford.
Fundamentally, the question isn’t who should buy the ring. The question is, between the two of you, who cares about making a big impression on people? Are you a man looking to impress other people with how rich/successful/generous you are? Is she a woman always seeking to uphold a certain image of style/wealth/beauty?
While I personally think a big, expensive ring is a waste of money, and I’d probably be not-thrilled at receiving one, (“But honey, don’t you think this $10k would be better invested in an a nice index fund?”) I actually think the ring itself is the first big test of compatibility — financial compatibility, that is.
If you aren’t on the same page about what should be a symbol of your commitment to each other, then prepare for a rough rest of your life…
I agree, if the woman is proposing to the man. I also make more money than my boyfriend, so you can’t quite call me typical.
I also agree with the whoever asks pays theory when it comes to dates.
Good luck finding a woman with that attitude…
But that doesn’t mean you’re wrong. I think you’re sort of right.
As a generalization, women are going through an adjusting period. For hundreds of years they had opportunities denied to them left right and center.
Now, in the Western World (US/Europe) the opposite is the case, and they have more options then men. (Not true of the developing world where there are real fights still to be won).
But as this beds down to become normal, it will take a while for us to pick through what is a nice tradition (I like buying presents for my girlfriend) and what is a legacy of the time when women were chattels (“with this ring” I own you).
Brave posts like yours are part of that process, but it’ll take a generation or two before we’re done.
Surely in most cases by the time you’re ready to get hitched your finances are mingled in some way, so as a woman you’re paying for it anyway. I don’t have an engagement ring but would have had no problem buying one and did pay for both of our wedding rings (I’m a woman, married to a man).
Real men don’t “demand” love and fidelity: they earn it.
One nice thing about this idea: when you divorce the guy, you get to keep the ring. I like that.
I guess there’s a reason you call yourself the Amatuer. If you were a veteran of a serious relationship, you would already know you are on the losing side of this argument.
Seriously, a ring is a symbol of a promise to love and cherrish until death do you part. It has absolutely nothing to do with spending two months pay or any other B.S. made up by DeBeers. It has to do with a life-long comittment.
My opinion is that if a girl demands a very expensive ring, she’s missing the whole point of a relationship. And, if you don’t think the girl you intend to marry deserves a ring, you may not be worthy. Your love is the gift and that’s a lot harder to give than a ring.
Here’s my story. We skipped the engagement ring, because it was a waste. We were already living together and comitted to each other. We bought our wedding rings at the Jewelry Exchange in LA for a fraction of what they cost in a jewelry store. I spent $675 for both rings and that was a lot of money at the time. We are proud to wear them and are still married after 19 years. The reasons we’re still married have nothing to do with jewelry.
Why doesn’t the girl just buy an engagement ring for the guy in return? What’s with only the woman walking around with a big “Taken!” sign on?
I’d say that 600 years or so of engagement rings is enough to constitute a tradition, but diamond ones are definitely a modern thing. Personally, I have a small man made sapphire in a very pretty setting. We also steered clear of matching ‘wedding sets’. Both of our rings are regular “fashion rings”.
My problem is that she wants to pick the ring out … to make sure she “likes it” … and have me foot the bill.
I have no problem going to the store and picking out something with her tastes in mind … but she should like it .. no, she should LOVE IT … because it is coming from me as a symbol of my love and commitment to her …
The other way around, to me, is just “oh, buy me some jewelry.”
Feminism aside until the day men can give birth to their own children, women will rule the world. If she wants a ring get her a ring. If she doesn’t want a ring don’t get her a ring. It should be matter of pride for the man, because there are plenty of men who will be willing to give her what she wants. If that’s not you, you may as well take your “modern ideas’ and step aside.
Anonymous, that doesn’t match with my experience. Those with the most self-confidence and best social skills rule the world, regardless of gender. Your mistake is assuming a ring is what women want. It’s not.
I am a women, and I completely agree with this article and do not find it offensive at all. I also try to always split 50/50 on dates, or take turns treating the other person. I feel that if I want to be part of an equal partnership, I have to hold up my end as well.
Recently, my boyfriend and I have been talking about getting engaged and I told him to please not buy me a ring no matter how much pressure he feels under to do so. I honestly think its a waste of money and I don’t need it to appreciate how good of a man he is or how well he treats me. He proves his devotion by his actions everyday and I try to do the same.
Thank you for writing this article, because everyone keeps acting like I am wrong in thinking that the engagement ring tradition is somehow insulting to both genders. It is nice to see that someone has had similar thoughts.
Ps, I hope you find a wonderful girl who can truly appreciate you! Being able to think independently is one of the sexiest traits a man can have.
I think it is nice to have this option. My boyfriend loves me very much. He has a good job….but lots of student loans. I on the other hand have my house, loans and car paid off. He has talked to me about getting married……but I think shys away from the topic now knowing he doesn’t have money to buy a ring….even a small one! I have been thinking about proposing to him to take the pressure off. I was trying to get a feel if buying my own ring would be accepable. I really want my father to walk me down the isle….he has heart problems and i don’t think he will live for another 5 years. I don’t really want to wait for my boyfriend to become financially stable to get married. My feeling is this…. if money ….buying a ring is the only thing in the way, the heck with tradition. Love is the important thing!
I find this article very interesting as I am in a committed relationship with my boyfriend. We have a house, a puppy, and have discussed getting engaged on several occassions.
I have told him that I am not hung up on a ring, but he has told me he wants to put a ring on my finger that will “make others jealous” but can’t afford it right now.
I have toyed with the idea of saying that we are both part of this relationship, and if it means that much for him to put a ring on my finger so-to-speak, that I contribute towards it. My question is how a guy would react to that, knowing the amount of pride he has in doing it himself?
To the previous post: she can already keep the engagement ring, because by law it is your gift to her. So if you spend $8k on a ring, and she drops the engagement or files divorce (which is statistically almost every time done by the wife), it is hers.
Also, great post, but I wanted to point out that the wage gap myth has been busted dozens of times. The only people still yelling about it are the feminists who refuse to acknowledge hard evidence by both the feds and hundreds of studies that disprove it, and since feminists don’t need to bother with facts or logic they just ignore this stuff and people believe them. So when you talk about the wage gap, there is one… for men, but feminists don’t care about that equality because they have the upper hand in that regard.
Otherwise, awesome post. I completely agree.
The only reason you are even opening this subject, is because you are most probably too stingy to pay for anything!!! whether it’s a date or a ring or anything!!!
It’s not about money & its not about showing off, its about the person’s values & attitudes & behaviors!! being generous is one key quality no body can deny in both partners! and if you don’t want to pay for a ring or a dinner date then i don’t suppose you will be willing to support your wife if at one point she has to stay at home with the kids with no income!! what then?? you won’t buy her anything???or maybe give her a weekly allowance and ask her to save to be able to afford a nice gift for herself???
yes a man must pay for a date & yes a man must buy a ring!
I can only add, you are pathetic!!& even those ladies who agree with this post are ridiculous!!!
by the way, if your boyfriend is stalling on your engagement, its not because he can’t afford a ring to make other jealous!! it’s because HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!!!!!
WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!
Uh oh, looks like Jenny is a bitter, bitter girl. How bout you put your big girl pants on and buy your own dinner? Because no man is with that attitude.
Well, I worked in a jewellers for three years.
One of the things I learnt about the history of engagement rings was that they are supposed to contain a diamond as a symbol of everlasting love, because like your marriage, a diamond should never crumble, fade, discolour,crack and cannot be cut or separated (bar by a lazer.. and who has those hanging around?)
I am a woman, and definitely wouldn’t be happy about buying my own engagement ring, but I’d happily buy my own wedding ring. I just think there is way too much romance and tradition that goes with an engagement ring to not go through the correct protocol. Its not about money, its just about the romance. I’d buy my man an expensive engagement present- maybe get a huge TV fitted in his study, or some speakers in his car.
Marriage is about compromise, giving and taking… it’s not all to do with showing the cash, and (most) realistic women understand this.
However, great article- was a pleasure to read
While I don’t expect a big, fancy ring, I would want nothing to do with a man who would demand me to buy my own ring. Yes- women with careers should be contributing equally to the household expenses (and men, vice versa, should be helping out more with the housework)- overall, one person shouldn’t be carrying the other, it should even out. On the other hand, who wants to be with someone who is such a hard-ass, that they demand you split the bill with them every time? Where’s the love in that relationship? Why not pay the bill one time and trust that the other person will pay the bill down the line? And, as for telling the woman to buy the wedding ring herself- what a freakin’ cheapskate! First off, the ring is supposed to be a gift, and secondly it is supposed to signify how valuable the relationship is to you. It needn’t be expensive, but it does need to show some thoughtfulness. Telling the girl to buy it herself is about as thoughtless and cheap as you can get.
Okay Robin, so then why don’t you buy your man anything even 1/10th as expensive to show that you appreciate him? You won’t, of course… It has nothing to do with price, money, or being cheap. It has to do with self-respect and a silly double-standard.
I am considering proposing to my boyfriend, and I am not expecting anything in return. If he wants to buy me a ring, he can, if not, then we will just get one for the wedding band. I am not concerned with rings. I just want to be with him. Don’t get me wrong, I am a female, and I would love to have an engagement ring, but it is not top priority for me, and I don’t think its absolutely necessary.
Also, for dates, my boyfriend and I are always fighting about who is going to pay (we both always try.) I think it should be a 50-50 deal. You are BOTH in the RELATIONSHIP, and in relationships, nothing is ever one-sided. We not me!!
Amber, if you have to propose to your boyfriend to get him to marry you then you are doing nothing but cheating yourself. If he wants to marry you, honey, he will. You said it yourself, you would love to have an engagement ring but it isn’t necessary-it sounds like you are far too versed in cheating yourself.
@ Kyle
Kyle, why are you so hung up on cost? The ring is a symbol of your love and does not have to be super expensive as many people have told you. I myself want a nice ring but I would not want my guy to break the bank to get it. I would gladly settle for an upgrade after years of marriage and financial gain. What make you think all women need a huge rock? I can’t help but feel all warm and fuzzy when a friend of mine proudly shows off her little “chip” of a ring from the man she loves. To see these women beam at the site of their ring-big or small-is always a pleasure. If you want a girl that isn’t about pomp and circumstance, that is a achievable but don’t act like you are too above showing your love with a gift. You sound very selfish.
I agree with you on not needing to spend tons of money, but when you say things like “but real men do not buy love or fidelity: they demand it,” you know that you are very far off from being in a real, loving, take no prisoners, selfless love. Love, like money, is EARNED. If you are anywhere near as stingy with your wallet as you are with your heart you will find that being alone is by far the most expensive debt.
You also seem to not hold women in very high esteem. Insisting that we are all shallow and materialistic when you are the one who is obsessed with things and money. Can you honestly say that when you meet and form a bond with the woman of your dreams and she wants an engagement ring you won’t buy her one? Why not? If anyone is brainwashed by societal demands it is you. Although you want women to pony up and cast down traditional roles you seem to think that you are quite some alpha-male and very reluctant to change views of how YOU AS A MAN should conduct himself in a relationship; if you aren’t then why the decree about what “real men” do?
In your article about paying for dates and in this one you are so ready to cast off women for the slightest thing that does not cater to you. You think women are expendable when in fact it is selfish men like you that are a dime a dozen. Everything you have said is about “me, me, and me.”
What are you trying to prove?
Congratulations for winning the “missing the point” award, L. Hill. Who are you to tell Amber she is cheating herself by proposing to her boyfriend? You seem very closed-minded.
Women should buy their own engagement ring to be sure to get the one they love.
That is your response Kyle? Of course you completely skipped over all of the parts that concerned you.
L. Hill, none of it concerned me. It didn’t make any sense.