Carnival Of Personal Finance #249: Who’s Awesomest? Pirates Vs Ninjas Vs Nuns Vs Robots Vs Real Estate Agents Vs Zombies

2010 March 22
by Kyle Bumpus
from → Personal Finance

Good morning and welcome to the 249th edition of the Carnival of Personal Finance!  Have you ever wondered which was awesomer:  pirates or ninjas?  Or whether a hoard of zombies would win a fight with a killer robot?  I spend the large majority of my free time contemplating just that, and you know you do too.  Well, today we will settle that age-old question once and for all! Which randomly-picked-by-me-and-broadly-stereotyped-group is awesomest?

Editor’s Picks

But first, let us examine the best of the best.  And, since I couldn’t figure out how to work them into the theme of the Carnival in an awesome-enough way, we’ll leave them outside the fray.

Comparative Advantage: Why You’re Not A Plumber from Weakonomics – Never build what you can buy at a reasonable price.  Never do yourself what you can pay somebody to do for you.  Focus on what you’re best at and leave the rest to somebody else.

Making the Most of Your Most Valuable Financial Asset by Free Money Finance – Think your home is your largest asset?  Think again.  Your ability to earn an income (and increase your income) is by far the largest asset most people will ever have.  It’s not even close.

What NOT to do after filing for Bankruptcy by Budgets Are Sexy – J Money gets Editor’s Pick based almost entirely on the hilarious picture.  Also, if you declare bankruptcy and then buy a $100 pair of jeans, well, you deserve a punch to the throat BAM!!!

The Argument Against Investing in a 529 Fund by Science And Money – At times, personal finance advice tends to exhibit a high degree of group-think.  Kudos to Helen for challenging conventional wisdom.  Most 529 plans suck.

(Pirates Arrrrrrrrggh!  (Money Management, Finance, And Investing)

Arrrrrgggh matey.  Pirates be princes of the high seas.  Danger, excitement, pirates be keen to take huge risks in pursuit of a pile o’ booty.  While greed be a buccaneer’s biggest weakness, it also servers them well in the markets, as risk-taking often be rewarded in pursuit o’ plunder.   Because of their awesome outfits and hilarious vocabulary, Pirates rank a solid 9.5 on the awesome meter.

The Right Time To Buy Dividend Stocks by Dividend Growth Investor -Dividend stocks be a landlubber’s favorite source ‘o gold, but a pirate never chooses the easy way out.  What’s the fun in a steady stream of dividend income that doesn’t involve any pillaging?  Arrrghhhhh!

Let’s Get Philosophical: What Role Does Money Play in Our Lives? by The Wise Squirrel – Nevermind a pirate knows not what a squirrel is, never having set foot on dry land.  Money is the only thing that matters in life to any pirate worth his salt, save maybe a shot ‘o rum.

Stick With Stocks or Pay Off the Mortgage? by Frugal Dad – Rolling the dice be a pirate’s favorite past-time on long journey’s at sea.  A pirate only buys the riskiest stocks because he can also ransack another port if things go bad.

Should I or Shoudn’t I? The Definitive Extended Warranty Litmus Test by Len Penzo -A pirate doesn’t need a warranty but rather takes what he wants when he wants it.

Increasing Dividend Yield Part III: Preferred Stock by Dividends Value – A pirate’s preferred stock is a dungeon full o’ rum.

Living Off the Income by The Oblivious Investor – A wise pirate puts his plunder to work for him and lives off the fruit of his labor in his old age.

What is Financial Literacy? Part 2 by Canadian Finance Blog – Knowing how to divvy up booty is an essential skill for any pirate.

Should You Invest in Stocks? by Balance Junkie – The famous pirate Richard SaaargsGaarggghd made his fortune shorting the stocks of the shipping companies whose ships he plundered. There’s more money in selling stocks than buying them.

How to Teach Kids About Money by Wealth Pilgram – Teach yer skalliwags well lest they grow up to be poor, a pirate’s worst nightmare.

Should I Open a Bank Account Online? by Studenomics – Being outlaws, bank accounts are not a luxury available to most pirates. They be good for landlubbers, though.

Why You Should Be Reinvesting Dividends by Bargaineering – Reinvesting yer plunder back into pimping out your pirate ship will help ye kidnap the governor’s daughter all the easier.

Retirement Fantasy by Don’t Quit Your Day Job. Many pirates haven’t salted away enough booty to pay for termite treatment on their peg in old age.

Questioning My Assumptions: Do I Need A Car? by A Gai Shan Life. Nay, of course not. Pirate needs only a sturdy ship.

Scamming Disaster Victims by Life Real, Now. Ahhh, a pirate after me own heart. Scamming disaster victims is a favorite hobby of many a famous pirate.

Return of Premium Insurance: Is It a Good Idea? by Funny About Money. If by “return-of-premium” insurance you mean making your insurance agent walk the plank if they don’t give you your money back then yes, it is.

The Greater Fool Theory by Hope To Prosper. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! Okay, I’m really starting to run out of pirate ideas now.

The Secret Behind Passive Income Opportunities by Passive Income Now. Passive income to a pirate is when you make a pass at a girl and she throws her rum in your face. Mmmmmm, free rum.

What is a 130/30 Fund and How do they Beat the Market? by Darwin’s Finance. WTF? Pirates steal funds, not buy them.

Fire Your Bank With The Switch Bank Accounts Checklist by Squawkfox. Polly want a cracker? Me talking parrot has more booty than your 1st and 2nd wives combined.

How to Switch Banks in 5 Easy Steps by Dough Roller. See above. Parrots often repeat themselves.

Investing to Retire Early by Buck$ome Boomer. A pirate never needs to retire because pirates don’t own cars.

401K Rollover to IRA: What to Do When You Leave Your Job by PT Money. Pillage yer old 401k and transfer yer booty to a more accessible location, like in a cave on a deserted island. Then mark the location on an map with an X.

Financial Advice for Singles by One Money Design. Less rum, more eye patches.

So when does active management beat passive investing? by Pop Economics. It doesn’t!

Nuns (Budgeting, Saving, And Frugality)

Nobody knows more about saving than Nuns.  After all, they’ve dedicated their lives to saving themselves for Jesus.  Nuns live a spartan yet spiritually-satisfying existence.  And if you’ve ever watched any of the Sister Act movies, you know they are also excellent singers.   Nuns usually aren’t the first thing to come to most people’s minds when they think of awesomeness, but Nuns invested the awesomest of all weapons:  the Nun-Chuck!!! Which was invented by a male Nun named Chuck!  I dare you to dispute this awesome fact.  Also, Nuns smack small children with rulers, which skyrockets their awesomeness rating up to at least a 9.2.

Determining Our “Allowances” by Budgeting In The Fun Stuff. This is an easy one: Nuns have no earthly possessions so their allowances are zero.

Six Ways To Save Money On Organic Food by Family Balance Sheet. While Nuns don’t have families (or money), they are big health fanatics and insist on eating only organically-grown. Luckily, manna is certified 100% organic!

Do Price Tags Make Wine Taste Better? by Simple Life In France. Something many people don’t know is that most Nuns are raging alcoholics, especially the ones in France. What else do you think they do all day?

Would a 20% Tax Make You Give Up Candy and Soft Drinks? by Narrow Bridge. Thou shalt not imbibe sugary sodas or consume fatty sweets, lest ye be cursed with obesity all the days of your life.

Free GMAT Study Resources by Well Heeled Blog. When they’re not busy drinking cheap wine, beating small children, or nun-chuck fighting a favorite activity of many Nuns is trying to get into a top 10 business school. Nunning don’t pay the bills.

How To Pick Out A Computer by Christian PF. Every Nun needs a fast computer to check their online stock quotes. Did you know that Nuns routinely beat the market without even trying? That’s awesome!

Ways To Make & Save Money: Communicate With Your Family by Chief Family Officer. Again, Nuns don’t have families. Aren’t you listening?

Four Easy Gas Saving Tips For Greener & Cheaper MPG by Own The Dollar. Part of being an Nun is caring for the environment, which means no gas-guzzling vehicles. Fortunately, Nuns have access to an infinite supply of a truly superior energy alternative. You know those spirits that come out of the Ark of the Covenant at the end of Raiders Of The Lost ArkThat’s what powers every Nun’s moped!

Best Free Apps for Broke People by Miss Bankrupt. Even though Nuns ALWAYS beat the market, they always give the earnings to orphans, probably as hush money to keep the cops off their backs from all the beatings.

Fear Of Spending by Modern Gal.  Nuns fear no evil, but they do fear calls from Vatican debt collectors.

What’s Your Magic Number by Eliminate The Muda.  Three is a magic number.  Yes it is, it’s a magic number.  Somewhere in that ancient mystic trinity you get three as a magic number.

Ninjas (Debt And Credit)

Ninjas are disciplined, silent, and deadly.  Their awesome-appeal is pretty awesome, so I won’t go into that here.  What many people don’t know about Ninjas is that their sense of honor often gets them into trouble.  It’s almost impossible not to owe somebody a life-debt as a Ninja these days, what with the high price of  Nun-Chucks these days and all (the Nuns have obviously been learning from all those GMAT study guides they’ve been reading).  For obvious reasons and because they wield Real Ultimate Power!, Ninjas have an awesomeness rating of 9.9.  Almost perfect!

The Real Cost of Using a Credit Card Overseas by Foreigners Finances. While on assassination missions abroad, Ninja’s often have their ninja throwing stars confiscated at the airport, forcing Ninjas to pay outrageous credit card fees in order to complete their mission. Outrageous!

New Credit Card Act In Action by Free From Broke. The American Ninja Association (ANA) basically forced Congress to pass new Credit Card legislation because they were tired of getting villainized for destroying whole office buildings after seeing an unfair fee on their credit card bill.

You’re A Sucker To… Cut Up Your Credit Cards by Financial Uproar. Ninjas cut up credit cards for fun with nothing but the power of their minds! Imagine what they could do with a sword.

How To Get Your First Credit Card by The Digerati Life. Most Ninjas get their first credit card 5 years before they are born because they are just better than everybody else.

Is Buying a New Car for Zero Percent Loan a Good Idea? by Personal Finance By The Book. Ninjas never borrow money to buy a car, which is pretty awesome.

American Express Blue Cash Review by The Smarter Wallet. Ninjas are so awesome they all have an American Express Blue card with no limit…plus 1.

Pay off Debt or Save? by Magical Penny. Ninjas do both.

Balance Transfer for Life Offers by Credit Card Offers IQ. One power Ninjas have that most people don’t know about (for good reason) is the ability to transfer their credit card balance to YOUR credit card! And since a Ninja’s credit card limit is greater than infinity, watch out!

Credit Card Still in My Credit Report After 341 Meeting by Ask Mr Credit Card. Heads would roll if this happened to a Ninja.

The True Price Of Low Cost Payday Loans by Being Frugal.  Every Ninja knows “low cost” and “payday loan” don’t belong on the same ancient sacred scroll.

Real Estate Agents (Real Estate)

Nobody is better at BSing than a Real Estate Agent!  If the market is up, they’ll tell you to buy before you get priced out forever! If the market is down, they’ll tell you homes are under-priced, then steal your wallet.  With their super lying abilities, a Real Estate Agent can convince anybody that anything is a good deal.  Awesome!  But because nobody likes them, they rank a lowly 1.3 on the awesomeness meter.  By comparison, Jabba The Hutt ranks a 3.4 because, not surprisingly, he’s really good at doing The Worm.

Why I Think Housing Stands A Chance by Money Beagle. Uh huh, just what a Real Estate Agent would say.

My Tenants Pay The Mortgage by Four Pillars. This is a favorite lie (or as they like to call it Truth…most Real Estate Agents can’t tell the difference) told by many Real Estate Agents who specialize in working with real estate investors. What they REALLY mean is that you should pay them the equivalent of a 87 mortgage payments to do 15 minutes of work.

How to Pay Off Your Mortgage Early by Couple Money. The day you pay off your mortgage is the day you should buy another house, according to one wise Real Estate Agent.

Know Your Limitations When You Do It Yourself by Mighty Bargain Hunter.  Don’t worry about that hole in the roof.  That’s a $100 repair job, tops!

Killer Robots!  (Taxes)

Their lack of emotions make Robots excellent killing machines, but what you might not know is that it also makes them excellent tax accountants!  And of course, your return is always guaranteed 100% error-free if done by a Killer Tax Robot.  But if push comes to shove, your Killer Robot will defend you in court:  literally.  Flexo is perhaps the most famous of all Killer Robots, with over 9,351 confirmed kills.

Understanding How Your Investments Are Taxed With Cleo Hamel Of H&R Block Canada by Investing Thesis. Killer Robots obviously don’t have to pay taxes because come on, who’s going to have the balls to try to collect money from them? But if they DID pay taxes, you can be sure they would ALWAYS pay the long-term capital gain rate, even on regular income! Holy freakin’ crap!

How to Make a Roth IRA Conversion by My Dollar Plan. Converting to a Roth IRA is as easy as converting your bones to a thick gooey paste for a Killer Robot.

What Is Earned Income? What Is Unearned Income? by Provident Plan. All income is earned income according to a Killer Robot. What, like you’re going to argue with one?

Zombies (Career)

Brainless, emotionless, and lacking anything resembling a personality, Zombies never have any fun.  Then again, neither do most “Company Men” who spend 14 hours at the office every day.  Then again, at least Zombies get a steady stream of fresh, tasty brains to eat.  Plus, they get a ton of respect for their awesome make-up and never get fat (brains are naturally fat-free).  Wow, your life is worse than a Zombie’s.  That sucks, dude.

Avoiding the Axe: 10 Things Employers Love To See In Their Employees by The Wisdom Journal. Looking like a Zombie at your desk will get you the axe quicker than a hot female in a George Romero movie. Zing!

Entrepreneur Spotlight: NYC Cravings Food Truck – Giving Up Finance for Chicken by Personal Finance Ninja. First off, I think a Personal Finance Ninja Zombie is pretty weird. Second, I crave brains. Braaaaaaaains.

Working 4 Days a Week To Save The Planet by The Financial Blogger. No way, eating brains is a full-time job.

5 Lies of Efficiency and Productivity by Money Help For Christians. Zombies know the the most efficient way to attack is to walk aimlessly and moan incomprehensibly so as to lure the victim into a false sense of security. Then BAM! Brain city.

Are You Sure You Want To Be Your Own Boss? by Suburban Dollars. A Zombie is always his own boss, mainly because he already ate everybody else.

So Who Is The Awesomest Of All?

So who do you think is the awesomest of all?  Pirates?  Killer Tax Robots?  Nuns?  Ninjas had the highest awesomeness rating of all, but that’s only because I didn’t include myself in the contest.  You see, the most awesomest person of all time is ME! Ninjas come second.  Real Estate Agents last.

Humility is my best trait.

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21 Responses
  1. 2010 March 22

    Thanks for hosting!

  2. 2010 March 22

    Dude, you totally forgot some of the most sneaky and tenacious creatures out there – car salesmen!

    Hilarious carnival! I didn’t realize that the American Ninja Association had a lobby group. If my coffee weren’t so hot I’d be spitting it out all over my keyboard.

    Thanks for making this Monday morning brighter! Aaarrrgh!!

  3. 2010 March 22

    Thanks for hosting this week and including my article “Increasing Dividend Yield Part III: Preferred Stock”.

    Best Wishes,

  4. 2010 March 22

    Hahaha, good job, I like how real estate agents got thrown in the battle royale. :)

  5. 2010 March 22

    Thanks for hosting and including my article!

  6. 2010 March 22

    LOL! I need one of them thar killer robots to deal with the darned taxes! A nice pirate around the house would be good, too…ever so much more entertaining than a German shepherd, and probably more effective against the random burglar.

    Thanks for including Funny’s squib on RoP insurance. :-)

  7. 2010 March 22

    I would have run out of ideas for this early on, but you did a great job, Kyle! Thanks for hosting the carnival and including my article.

  8. 2010 March 22

    I don’t know any nuns here in France, but if I were a nun . . .

    And a killer robot is no match for zombies because the zombies are already dead. . .

  9. 2010 March 22

    Great job on the carnival this week. Thanks for putting it together, I know it is a lot of work!

    But where are the politicians in this?

  10. 2010 March 22

    Zombies win long term because killer robots have to run out of whatever it is they run on and zombies just keep going…. but short term a lot of them are getting fried.

    Thanks for hosting, Kyle!

  11. 2010 March 22

    Thanks a million for hosting.

  12. 2010 March 22

    Hey Kyle,

    Thanks for choosing my post as one of your picks for the week.

    I love the monster carnival theme, but it’s messing with your Google-served ads. One ad is for investing “monster alerts.” (No joke.) Enjoy!

  13. 2010 March 22

    Thanks for including my post! It’s in your nun category, which is as close to that as I’ll ever come…lol. Thanks again!

  14. 2010 March 22

    Yeah dawg, LOVED this theme! But everyone knows Chuck Norris beats all ;)

  15. 2010 March 23

    I LOVE this Carnival.. “Nunning don’t pay the bills” <– ROFL

  16. 2010 March 24

    Haha. Love your commentary. Thanks for hosting – linked back!

  17. 2010 March 24

    Great work, Kyle. So glad I’m a pirate. You said “booty”. haha.

  18. 2010 March 25

    Love the carnival! Thanks for including my post here! Ninjas are for me. :)

  19. 2010 March 26

    Thanks for hosting! I noticed you had robots – non-humans – in your list. I have to ask… in a hypothetical ranking with llamas, how would the contest break down?

  20. 2010 March 26

    Wow! How did you ever think of all those clever sayings? I am indeed impressed!
    Thanks for including my post.

  21. 2010 September 15

    First, fantastic list! :-)

    Second, I was struck by this sentence…

    “Think your home is your largest asset? Think again. Your ability to earn an income (and increase your income) is by far the largest asset most people will ever have. It’s not even close.”

    If only people would focus on wisely increasing and using their earning power instead of chasing get rich quick schemes… sigh

Comments are closed.