Gulf Oil Leak Finally Capped, Americans Resume Destroying The Planet In Other Ways

Late last week, British Petroleum (BP) finally succeeded in capping the Deepwater Horizon oil leak after almost 3 long months of environmental devastation.  In all, roughly 185 million gallons of crude oil seeped into the Gulf of Mexico, according to some sources.  Meanwhile, tens of thousands of sea animals have died (that we know of) and tens of millions more have been displaced.

The coastal devastation hasn’t been limited to the wildlife, however.  Louisiana fisherman Cletus LaFleur once ran a thriving shrimping business, operating a fleet of 7 oil-hungry shrimp boats and employing dozens of illegal immigrants.  That is, he did until earlier this year, when BP’s negligence caused irreparable damage to his favorite shrimping spots.  Now, the shrimp are all gone and his fleet of shrimp boats sits idle in the marina.

“Them there Britainites done ruin’d my livel’hood!” complains LaFleur.

Sadly, his fleet is currently facing foreclosure and LaFleur guesses he’s probably out of the game for good.  Unless BP is able to dramatically accelerate the process of cleaning up the environmental damage they’ve caused, LaFleur will never again have the pleasure of emitting dark, toxic clouds from his shrimping fleet’s exhausts.

“Folks who pollute th’ envirn’ment should be threwn ‘n jail!” states LaFleur matter-of-factly.  Indeed.

LaFleur’s outrage is shared by the wider public.  John Quincy Public, a senior accountant at one of the largest accounting firms on the east coast recently called in to a conservative radio talk show from his gas-guzzling SUV, which has spewed tens of thousands of pounds of harmful carbon monoxide into the atmosphere since he bought it 7 years ago, to express his displeasure with BP’s handling of the Gulf clean-up efforts.

“I just don’t think BP has taken full responsibility for the environmental damage they’ve caused, and I think they should be punished for it,” states Mr. Public, who regularly sprays his lawn with harmful chemicals and hundreds of gallons of water during a drought to get it just a shade greener than his neighbor’s.  Americans, it seems, are sick of other people polluting the environment.

Naturally, Washington’s elite are eager to jump on the anti-BP bandwagon as well.  Hal Smore, who is obviously not related to Al Gore in any way, has been among the most vocal environmental advocates in recent years.  Speaking from his massive multi-million dollar mansion, which literally has the carbon footprint of a mid-sized town, Mr. Smore has shown no mercy to those who damage the environment.

“BP should be broken apart and its assets sold off to pay for the clean-up efforts,” Smore claims.  He then boarded his private must for a quick trip to Tahiti to pick up some of that fresh fruit he really, really likes.

One thing is for certain:  Americans will no longer tolerate environmental destruction and won’t stop short of anything, save actual personal action, to protect the world’s natural resources.